(Shows Elliot’s bed, but Elliot is not seen sleeping. Elliot is shown to be playing a Sonic the Hedgehog, possibly over the entire night. The alarm clock turns on. Elliot grabs the clock and throws it at Sonic in the game.)
(Elliot’s mom knocks on his bedroom door)
Elliot’s Mom: Honey, it’s snowing out. I think you have a snow day.
(Elliot is joyed and stumbles to the window to find it is snowing outside. Elliot breaks open the front door. Elliot finds out that it was only snowing on his house and lawn in particular, thus making it a regular school day.)
Elliot’s Mom: Sorry honey.
(Elliot opens the garage door and leaves with his bike. Elliot rides through the city. He rides up a ramp and flies in the air over a guy in a red car.)
Guy in red car: AAAAAAAH!
(Elliot slams into the driver. The driver crashes his red car into a lamppost. The guy flies out of his car and crashes into an outside restaurant, pummeling into other civilians.)
(Elliot flies into a building and dismounts off his bike. He air kicks an office worker and slides through the hallway. Elliot causes chaos inside of the building)
People inside the building: Ow, what the heck! Bitch ass!
(Elliot carefully opens a door to a room full of large dominoes, only to carelessly knock them over as he soars out of the window. Elliot climbs onto a vehicle similar to Santa’s sleigh and his reindeer. The driver is Jimbo, and he gets distracted from Elliot’s appearance, causing him to crash into a helicopter. Elliot locates his destination and both him and the driver give the thumbs up. Jimbo kicks Elliot out of the sleigh. Elliot lands successfully in front of his school and runs inside)
Random student: What the fuck!
(Elliot runs through the halls.)
(The scene cuts to Mr. Cool looking at his watch)
(Cuts back to the hallway to show Chris knocking a book out of Dr. Breen’s hands. Dr. Breen bends over to grab to book. Elliot jumps over Dr. Breen in his position and continues running. Dr. Breen looks back up in astonishment. Elliot slides under a desk that two guys were carrying.)
(The scene cuts back to Mr. Cool again, still looking at his watch.)
(Cuts back to Elliot doing a backflip and running to class. Jimbo rolls a skateboard in front of Elliot. Elliot rides on the skateboard and performs “The Elliot”, which is spinning himself on the skateboard on one hand while rolling. Jimbo uses a bungee cord to swing himself into Mr. Cool’s classroom. Elliot opens the door to Mr. Cool’s room.
Mr. Cool: Elliot, I’m surprised you didn’t cause any destruction to the school property on your way in.
Elliot: That’s because I’m –
Elliot: You know what Brandon?
Bradon: Yes, tit face?
Elliot: You smell.
Brandon: Like garlic bread?
Elliot: No like, uh –
Xavior: This episode sucks my shit! It’s not even funny and I’d rather play Ninja Gaiden on hard mode. With cheats. Whoa, late again!
(Xavior closes his laptop, looks around, and runs out)
Mr. Cool: Today’s the start of the second marking period, and you know what that means, uh, Bill Clinton? (Points at Bill Clinton)
Bill Clinton: Do I get to eat a pig?
Mr. Cool: (Sighs) No Bill Clinton, you don’t get to eat a pig.
Bill Clinton: Oh poo. Back to the doobie.
(Bill Clinton puts a whole pack of doobies in his mouth. Xavior arrives late to class)
Mr. Cool: Xavior, may I please hear your ridiculous excuse?
Xavior: Gee, now that you mention it, I just recall hacking this source engine to recreate the events of the Depression of the 1930s!
(Bill Clinton’s head is on fire with his doobies)
Xavior: It was simple, I just had to access the directory to –
Brandon: Wow, that sounds gayer than tits.
Xavior: Tits aren’t gay noob.
Mr. Cool: (Sighs) Come on, focus class. It’s been one marking period and you’re all flunking.
Brandon: Shut up Mr. Cool. Who asked you?
Mr. Cool: Brandon, you failed the first marking period.
Brandon: (Waves his arms around with LOLs) LOL!
Xavior: I just had internet sex in Second Life.
Brandon: More like, NO LIFE!
(School bell rings)
(Brandon flied out. Elliot rolls out. Xavior surfs out using his laptop)
(Cuts to Mr. Higglesworth’s room. Elliot Backflips his way in. Brandon flies into Mr. Higglesworth’s desk, but positions himself. Crab core kid rocks his way inside and grabs a chair)
Unknown voice 1: (Coughs)
Unknown voice2: You’re all a bunch of faggots, get out of my class.
Mr. Higglesworth: My genitals itch (Scratches his genital)
Jimbo: Reminds me of my buddy Slim.
Elliot: Slim? As in like Slim Jim?
(A picture of Slim Jim appears. A rimshot plays. The word NO appears next to Slim Jim)
Brandon: Elliot, you’re not allowed to make jokes anymore.
Mr. Higglesworth: And you’re not allowed to be gay. F!
(Mr. Higglesworth chucks a giant penny at Brandon)
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Come on Mr. Hig, another F?
Crabcore Guy: Crabs give me stiffies
(A child laughs off screen)
Elmer: Just like potatahs
Mr. Higglesworth: Ooh, tough kid over here. Thinks his shit don’t stink.
Crabcore Guy: Actually it does kinda. Oh, how’s this sound?
(Crabcore Guy starts blaring death metal)
Mr. Higglesworth: Um, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.
(Crabcore Guy starts blaring death metal again and does crabcore)
Mr. Higglesworth: Are you, um, like, making a declarative statement or is that like something -
Mr. Higglesworth: LIKE YOU! (Points at Brandon)
Brandon: (Civilized voice) How exactly am I gay?
Mr. Higglesworth: Because you overuse the word every five seconds.
Crabcore Guy: I like crabcore.
(Jimbo looks at his watch)
Jimbo: Dang it, where’s that Slim?
Mr. Higglesworth: What the hell’s crabwhore, sounds like a bad porno.
Crabcore Guy: It’s when you get really down low and you strum a guitar at dick level, like this.
(Crabcore Guy demonstrates his crabcore skills)
Brandon: Not if your dick’s on your face!
Crabcore Guy: Vagina counts too.
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Oh, okay.
Elmer: My name rhymes with vagina.
Mr. Higglesworth: Excuse me for a second.
(Mr. Higglesworth kicks Crabcore Guy in the nuts.
Crabcore Guy: Ooooooh, my jewels!
Mr. Higglesworth: All you fagolas been doing this year are acting like little immature brats, who make dangerously unfunny puns and jokes, that not only do I find them not funny, but they also have to relate to something being gay or the male reproductive organ, BRANDON.
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Yeah (Puts his head down)
Mr. Higglesworth: So you know what that means you little shits?
Crabcore Guy: We go crabcore to some attack attack.
Mr. Higglesworth: Yeah, well attack attack this!
(Mr. Higglesworth chucks a clipboard at Crabcore Guy).
Mr. Higglesworth: DOUBLE F!
(Mr. Higglesworth throws a box of crayons at Crabcore Guy)
Jimbo: Fs are so overused, why not spice it up with a little Gs?
Mr. Higglesworth: I’ll spice up your face with an F!
(Mr. Higglesworth throws a clipboard at Jimbo)
Crabcore Guy: Okay okay, enough with the Fs already. Like, take your medication or something.
(Mr. Higglesworth slowly turns around and is pissed off)
Mr. Higglesworth: Speaking of medication...
(Mr. Higglesworth lays down cocaine on his desk and starts snorting it all up. Elliot comes out of the wall)
Elliot: I knew it!
Elmer: I sold it, for ten bananas! (Holds up five fingers)
(Elmer punches Jimbo into a door)
Mr. Higglesworth: Quiet fagolas! For your rude behavior, we’re going to take notes!
(Mr. Higglesworth places a projector on his desk)
Brandon: Oh, HA, I thought you said nose. I mean like, who would like take someone’s nose, that’s kinda gay.
Mr. Higglesworth: And you’re kind of bald (Points at Brandon’s bald head)
Brandon: So are YOU Mr. Tittlesworth (points at Mr. Higglesworth’s bald head)
Mr. Higglesworth: I have hair. See, SEE? (points at the small hairs on his head)
Elliot: Nah that’s called balding
Elmer: You’re bald
(Elmer stabs Elliot with a pencil)
Mr. Higglesworth: (Slams his head against a desk) JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
Elliot: That’s not nice to use God’s name in vain.
Mr. Higglesworth: Okay, back to the notes (Slams his hands against the desk). (To Brandon) Or should I say, nose!
Brandon: Uh, I was thinking notes, but okay.
(School bell rings)
Mr. Higglesworth: Oh, I almost forgot. Today is the first day of the sec –
(Crabcore Guy blows up the door and exits. Brandon flies out. Elliot runs out.)
(Cuts to Ms. Person’s hallway. Chris is getting books out of a locker)
Dan: Welcome to highschool, bitch!
(Dan slaps the books out of Chris’s hand)
Chris: Yo Dan, what the fuck?!
Dan: Ah shiit, my bad G. I thought you were one of them faggots over there.
(Zooms over to Brandon outside the hall behind a kid drinking soda.)
Brandon: Move your fat ass, I’m trying to get into Ms. People’s room.
Chris: Wanna go kick some ass Dan?
Dan: Bitch going dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown!
(Dan runs over to Brandon)
Chris: Oh shit’s going down, I get this shit on Youtube.
(Dan slams into a wall)
Dan: Yo scuzzball! (Hits Brandon)
(Brandon turns around to Dan)
Brandon: Watch where you’re going you crazy black kid.
Chris: Yo punch that boy Dan!
(Dan makes an unsuccessful strike against Brandon’s face)
Brandon: My turn!
(Brandon uses psychic kinetic powers to throw Dan against a wall, into Chris, and finally sending them both out the window. Both land in a laundry cart and are rolled across the premises. An airplane falls from the sky and impacts into them.)
Chris: Yo this is the legit footage D.
Ms. Person: Good afternoon everyone. Please sit in your assigned seat.
(Brandon flies into Ms. Person’s computer. Elliot peeks over and interrupts)
Elliot: Ah, whoa whoa whoa. I thought YOU said that WE could pick our own seat, on the first day! (Nudges Ms. Person’s face)
Ms. Person: Times change, Elliot, sit down.
Brandon: Hoho! You’s got told Silliot!
(Brandon has his face on his desk while Elliot plays a video game)
Ms. Person: Now turn to page ninety-six in your chemistry textbook.
Postal Dude: Butt sauce!
Ms. Person: Today we’re going to talk about –
Brandon: BORING! Elliot, wake me up when Ms. Derpson does something cool.
(Brandon goes to sleep on his desk)
Elliot: HOLY SHIT LOOK!
(Brandon wakes up only to find nothing interesting is happening)
Ms. Person: Today we’re going to learn the basic fundamental entities of the –
Brandon: ELLIOT! YOU LIED TO ME! WHY! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Postal Dude: Where the hell am I?
Brandon: (Still screaming) YYYYYYY (Civilized voice) New Jersey (Childish voice) YYYYYYYY!
Postal Dude: Shit!
(Postal Dude jumps his way out of class and down a stairwell. He jumps out of the window and flies into a parked car. He attempts to unlock it, but something is wrong.)
Postal Dude: What for, all the cars in this town seem to be props anyway.
(Postal Dude launches into the sky)
Brandon: Prop? What’s a prop?
Ms. Person: A prop is an object used for movies or play that
Brandon: H-hold on a sec.
(Brandon swings and charges up his fist and pounds Ms. Person out of the class. She runs into a student in the hall. She breaks through the front door entrance of the school and finally rests in the middle of a highway. A speeding truck runs into her.
Brandon: Who wants to watch Nominjin fall off a cliff?
Furry: I wanna see, I wanna see! Come on, hey asshole, I want to see!
Brandon: I said cliff, not yiff. Go back to Second Life, furfag!
(Brandon throws a shoe at the Furry. Brandon shoves the computer off the desk and places a projector. He projects the video of said film mentioned)
Brandon: (Laughs and lets out a really loud scream)
Elliot: That’s not nice!
Brandon: Go dick a suck of bag!
(Brandon chucks a shoe at Elliot’s face)
(School bell rings. Brandon runs out. Elliot slips and hits into the monitor that was shoved outside by Brandon.)
(Scene cuts to Elliot and the gang in the middle of a hallway)
Brandon: Hey guys, let’s skip gym class and go eat some lunch.
(Cuts to the lunchroom)
(A guy in line for lunch punches another student out of line and cuts in front. The lunch lady puts food on a student’s plate)
Lunch lady: I hate my life.
Jimbo: Why’s that ma’am?
(Lunch lady leans forward and points at Jimbo)
Lunch: Honey I’ve been a whore since the Great Depression. I’ve been a slut since the Holocaust.
Elliot: Sounds cool.
(Lunch lady slaps Jimbo down on the floor)
Lunch lady: I’ve sucked George Washington’s dick. HOW DOES THAT SOUND COOL?
Brandon: It’s funny ‘cause you’re mad. (Starts LOLing while waving his arms around with LOLs. Brandon chokes a bit and continues LOLing)
Lunch lady: Here’s your potatahs!
(Lunch lady chucks a potato at Brandon)
Elmer: Smells like Jesus.
Lunch lady: You know I sucked Jesus’s cock.
Elmer: You may have met a lot of people in your life, but you ain’t never met anyone like Elmer.
Lunch lady: Shut up and eat your muff cabbage.
(Lunch lady throws a cabbage at Elmer)
Lunch lady: Here’s your SPUDS!
(Throws a spud at a girl. Joe lines up)
Lunch lady: Here’s your POTATAHS!
(Chucks potato on Joe’s plate)
(Cuts to Elliot and the gang at the lunch table. Elliot is drinking a Coca Cola and slams it on the table.)
Brandon: Hey Jimbo, you like fishsticks?
(In the background, the Heavy shoves a Nazi soldier out of his chair and eats his lunch)
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Oh, okay. (Childish voice) Hey Xav-tit, you like fishsticks?
Xavior: Eh, kinda.
Brandon: (Chuckles) You like to put the fishsticks (holds back laughter) in your mouth?
Xavior: I put them under my fingernails to keep them nice and warm.
Brandon: (Civilized voice) Oh, uh, (Childish voice) LOL YOU’RE A GAY FISH!
Gym teacher: (Screams) What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the gymnasium.
Brandon: Whatever. You look like Bruce Willis.
Gym teacher: And you look like an ugly child!
Jimbo: So does my mom!
Elmer: And creamed corn!
Gym teacher: All of you, FAILED AGAIN!
Elliot: Wait a minute. If we’re supposed to be in your class, why aren’t you in the gym?
(The gym teacher starts malfunctioning.)
Brandon: I don’t think he can compute logic Elliot. He’s malfunctioning! Run!
(Elliot and the gang run outside just in time. The gym teacher explodes and launches them outside)
Brandon: (Laughs) That was funny.
Elmer: Do it again, I wasn’t looking.
Folding Chair: Finally, school has died! This is ffffucking amazing!
Elliot: Well, at least we can enjoy Christmas break without any homework.
Xavior: How come we just have a break, SCHOOL IS DEAD FOREVER! That means I can pull all-nighters again, SCORE!
Principal: Attention, I’m still alive. So that means after the break, you’re going back to school! (Laughs and coughs)
Brandon: Oh yeah, how come we always interrupted Mr. Gay and Mr. Shittlesworth when they’re about to say something about the second marking period.
Principal: The start of the second marking period means you all start the junior year.
Brandon: Really? Three days of sophomore year? That’s kinda –
(Brandon looks at at the camera and a guy holding and pointing to a cue card that says “LINE: ‘DUMB’”.
Xavior: Just as tits! Anyway I got some L33T hacking to finish. See ya guys!
(Xavior no-clips away)
Jimbo: Gonna go sleep over at Slim’s house. Later fellas.
(Jimbo jumps away)
Elmer: I’m gonna to go ruin more videos. HELLO!
Folding Chair: This town! FUCKING! SUCKS!
(Folding Chair explodes)
Brandon: (Civilized voice used towards Elliot during conversation) Well Elliot, looks like another happy ending.
Brandon: Need the new Assassin’s Creed for Christmas?
Brandon: Let’s play some live in the beginning.
Elliot: You know? For once, you’re actually alright.
Brandon: (Returns to childish voice) LOL, JK, Asses Creed sucks! Have a shitty Christmas, Elliot!
(Brandon throws a shoe at Elliot. Brandon then teleports away)
(Elliot looks up to see his bike in front of the school. Elliot rides on his bike, only to be struck by a cinderblock)
Elliot: There it is!
(The End. Credits)